Current Experiences and Awareness
Just whats going on in my life now.
Date: 5/3/2012 3:18:53 PM ( 31 mon ) ... viewed 2288 times
I haven't posted for nearly a year in here. Okay, so I had two scales, one said about two pounds less than the other. I had had that scale since I was in high school and had gone down to 88.5 pounds once. That one broke, so now I have the one that says two pounds more. Yesterday it said I weighed 115 pounds. I was really really sick about two or three weeks ago, for about two weeks. I feel I still have remnants of it. I wake up coughing if I eat sugar at night. Last night I had a night where I overate a little bit. I am really struggling with this food thing, begin uptight and controlling lately. I am not working so I have a lot of free time. I am waiting for a new job to get started. In fact, I have the possibility of two new jobs. We will see if it works out. I am planning on it in order to get my MFT hours. Ironically, one job is working for teenagers with eating disorders. I have overcome a lot of in regards to my eating disorder, but I still do struggle. I believe that thoughts of food and awareness of how it affects me will always be there, especially with the way things are in our modern society with food.
What I want to do is become very peaceful around food. When I was sick I went down to 111 pounds because I had two bowls of soup each day and I felt quite amazing. Even though I was sick, I had an inner peace and awareness that was incredible in comparison to my normal state of mind.
In an ideal life, I would be slowly working to get my MFT hours, being creative, feel happy and peaceful consistently, exercise daily, eat nourishing food in a peaceful way, and weigh about 105 to 110.
I am not far from it. I am about to start working, and I do exercise daily, I eat well, but get very nervous about food and I weigh about 5-10 pounds more than is ideal for my small 5'1'' frame.
Sometimes, I get depressed. I have social anxiety where I often don't want people to look me in the eye. I often feel nervous around people and avoid seeing anyone because I want to have my own space. I feel that people don't really care about me and they are so involved in their own problems or lives that they can't see me. This creates a lot of turmoil. The safest relationships to have are where I am the helper because I don't have to be seen really. I see the other person. And, I am good at it. I have almost shamanic spiritual abilities to see the person's soul. I guess sometimes, I wish someone could do this for me. I had an epiphany the other day that I have to do this for myself.
Anyhow, I am going to start a thing where I eat really really light a few times a day. When I get really hungry and attempt at having a green juice and fruit everyday as well. My goal from here on May 3, 2012 at 1:18pm is to eat lightly and release any excess weight. I also intend to manifest a bit more money so my boyfriend and I can do things like go on a cruise or drive for a road trip.
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