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Fasting Day 1 Continued
My first day of my fast continued... feeling very frustrated with myself.
Date: 11/28/2007 1:09:36 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2929 times I am really upset because there is this guy that I have been in love with since the day I met him in February 2005 and I just have to cut him out of my life because he causes me a lot of pain. I have never really had any healthy relationsihps other than the one I had when I was in high school. I am feeling frustrated with myself and want to just be happy and haelthy and thinner. My face is showing that I have binged and I have to do an oral presentation in an hour and a half. My friend told me that the biggest lesson that the Universe is trying to teach me right now is that I am a very emotional person and that I tend to react to my emotions too quickly. I need to learn to feel emotions without consistently always reacting to them. I need to learn to feel and to determine which emotions are appropriate to act on and in which way they are appropriate to act on. For example, up until now, I have tended to react on emotions too quickly and then whenever I feel a painful emotion, I would binge. This is because I didnt know how to cope with the emotion or the experience of it and I wanted to do anything to make it go away.
This eating disorder is really not even me. It is the way that my parents raised me. They raised me ignoring my emotions and always making an emotional situation ignored by focusing on something material or physical. For example, the other morning, I was at my parent's house and I was talking to my mother about how I wanted a real family. She just said to me, "Heather I buy you organic food, and I did things with you your whole childhood, I just can't understand what you want from me." It is as though I am speaking a different language when I just say, "Mom, i want to be heard. I want you to hear me and I want to connect to you emotionally." I want everyone in this family to stop pretending that they don't see the f**king huge elephant sitting in the living room. I want this family to stop being in denial. But they wont because they can't, because they don't know how. I dont know what to do anymore. I am so frustrated with myself. I know that fasting will calm me down and help me see things more clearly as well as give me a greater level of self confidence in my ability to do it. So far, I have had water and coffee today. The coffee is a little hard on my system, but I have found that it works wonders on the day after I binge because it gives me energy, helps me have the motivation to go on, and helps me pee out all of the water that my body is retaining. I hate school. I f**king hate sitting in a classroom being taught ideas from a book that is being used to mind control the people of my generation. I do not want this anymore.
I am 5'2'' 138.6 pounds, red hair, green eyes, light skin, 22 years old...
If anyone wants to do a fast with me and support each other, that would be awesome.
Thank you for reading.
Love to you.
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