Lauray,

First off, stop beating yourself up. You can achieve what you desire but not by beating yourself up.

If you feel OA will help you, then go there and talk and allow the help. You can not receive help from others, if you do not allow them in.

I am sorry I have not read all your posts to understand why you say "AND F*CKERS EVERYWHERE REFUSE TO SUPPORT ME GODDAMNED f**kING F*CKERS" except if you do not ask for support, other than in a blog, how can you expect it?

Blogs are not always the best place to find support (although there are times it can be a good place). Groups tend to be a good place, so that others experiences can show you how to do something or not do something. Also, it can make it easier when you go through something to bounce it off a few (or more) people and get their input.

OH and as for perfectionism, it does not exist. IF you feel the need to eat something, do so CONSCIOUSLY. Accept what you are eating. Enjoy it. Do NOT belittle yourself. When you eat consciously, there will come a time (maybe sooner than later) that you will see you no longer desire to eat what you are eating.

When I stopped drinking over 2 years ago and I felt the desire to drink. I asked myself why. I talked to myself. I told myself whatever it was I needed to hear. Fortunately, this time around I did not drink. Except I realized, this time around, had I decided to drink after talking with myself, I would have done so consciously and accepted my choice. I had gone to a womans group during this time (my life had gotten out of control) and although it was not about alcohol, it was life in general. It did help talking with different women who may have experienced what I was, in that moment. I did bring up the alcohol, if it was something I needed to do.

Find yourself someplace you can go to and talk with others, that are in your experiences. Do what you must do to help yourself...whatever that is. Stop beating yourself up and stop blaming others for not supporting you. It is your choice ultimately on how you control your behavior and addictions and life.

Peace and blessings to you,
Beth