- I'm on a Roll tonight! by takemeawaygod
18 y
2,933 6 Messages Shown
Blog: Anonymous young lady dives into the Abyss of God...? ? ?
I'm just gonna write out whatever's in my brain right now, cuz I feel blurry, but I know that there's something in here somewhere that needs to get out. I spent a long evening with a friend of mine who's sick with a pretty serious, often terminal illness. This woman can TALK and after a while of listening, I start feeling jagged, though she's entirely delightful. My brain feels like it's being ravaged when I spend time with people, but when I'm alone, I get so lonely.. I just need to write and not judge it and not label it. I regularly do a structured sort of writing, taking my inventory and picking out all the fear from my brain and body, which is entirely useful and has rendered regular journalling nearly obsolete, as half the stuff I say is one dimensional delusion. but here and there, it's nice just to do it and see it's still possible for what it's worth. And I'll put it out there because I am sick of all these piles of notebooks and no body hearing me. Maybe for the fifty or so people who'll read this, I'll be heard enough like that police song with the message in the bottle and the hundreds of bottles with the same message washing up to shore.
so. I live with a semi-enlightened woman who scares the shit out of me. I'm entirely safe. she's just sort of shut down and shoots me mean looks and just kicks up stored childhood trauma so that I can see it's there and then notice when it's gone, or so it seems at the moment. The second I think she's evil, she'll be totally and entirely kind and sweet, like as if the rest of it was in my mind. But I feel stifled here and trust that intuitive sense of dis-ease and really look forward to living in a situation that doesn't feel suffocating. I don't have much space. I dreamed last night that I got drunk, and she found out and beat me till I was half bloody. In the dream I was bemusedly detached and guilty simultaneously. cuz I felt good seeing her lose control, since I feel like I'm incessantly tiptoeing around the house, and also because I feel like I deserve to be beaten, like I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to ruin everything and be punished.
Today, I put some classical music on while meditating, and she started stomping and sighing and slamming doors all over the place. she wanted to meditate at that moment, which I didn't know beforehand, and the music I had on so disturbed her, so she threw the tantrum which disturbed me enough to turn the music off. I locked the bathroom door when I showered today. I usually do, but today was the first day I even realized I do it. My mom used to walk into the bathroom while I was showering and scream obscenities at me, so maybe that trauma stuck around. or maybe it's just from watching Psycho. I want out, but I need a substantial increase in income or some other miracle to precipitate the move. I may need to experience more of this first. Perhaps it'll get better or at some point, I'll be able to speak up when she looks at me like I am retarded when I'm talking to her. 3 billion forms of fear at once, maybe I would be better off taking inventory. so much happens in one day, and I don't know why this is what I choose to discuss. maybe because it's hard for me to tell people and maybe I'm addicted to obsessing about negativity... cuz there are many good things popping up in my life, but this intimidates me cuz it's new, and I've been stuck in various ways, hiding out in addictions to prevent my terror of growth and not liking the results. it can be easier on some level to imagine different sorts of flowers you'd become if you let yourself grow than to watch the distinct one you are unfold. Though we're infinite in so many ways, who cares? I don't really talk like that, ew.
Analyzing is death half the time, a real waste. every thought I have negates itself in so many ways. people tell me I'm beating myself up and ought to stop. I think I just haven't entirely grasped patterns of filtering out the thousands of thoughts shooting around in my brain at any given second. And they're right to a degree, but what does that observation do? Is anyone following me? have I lost you?
I'll quit while I'm (not?) ahead. before I start to feel less ahead. Words have power, perhaps I should start a pseudo journal under an acronym writing what I believe I'd write if I put less stock in my primitive self.
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takemeawaygod
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- Remember FEAR is of the Devil... by kerminator
18 y
1,794
We have nothing to fear but fear itself... The correct response to any thoughts on or about fear is to become angry... That is correct; anger is a reaction, fear is an isolator and will defeat or immobilize you... Reaction is required for all, the promptings of the evil one...
So dear friend; learn to control your emotions and stay strong...
We will visit this subject again on one of my blogs soon...
See Ya... Kermit
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kerminator
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- Re: Remember FEAR is of the Devil... by takemeawaygod
18 y
1,864
| What is this talk of "the devil" and "the evil one"? I am puzzled by this response, if amused and glad you're around.
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takemeawaygod
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- Re: Remember FEAR is of the Devil... by kerminator
18 y
1,708
Well, I may get into this on a future blog; but here is the whole truth of the matter!!
As you know fear is an emotion, and many emotions are there for a quick responce to certain events... Fear is one of the tools of the Devil or since some people do not believe in such a creature; we will say of the opposition... If we have learned anything in life, then it is that there is opposition in almost all happening and events in our lives...
One of the key elements in the role or way of a Spirit Warrior, is to learn how to react to opposition in life... This is the main key in life; learn to over come or react to opposition...
BTW: I am writing a book, due out in early 2007, on the role and way of the "Spirit Warrior" This is something we all must contend with and the sooner we learn react in a positive manner then the better we will be in the Eternity to come!!
So the proper method or way of reaction for a Spirit Warrior, is to learn not to let fear emoblize, or cause loss of action... It is best that we substitute Anger; in place of Fear... In other words when the situation requires it, do not become afraid, become angrey... Anger will release your ability to react and over come the negative event that causes the fear reaction!!
Remember fear, is only effective in learning to respect a greater power, but not to destroy your thoughts and actions...
If this seems foreign let me know as I wll blog on this again soon, and we will cover the best reactions on our pathway of life... Keep up your find determination and gifted will to learn and respond in life....
See Ya... Kermit
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kerminator
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- Re: Remember FEAR is of the Devil... by takemeawaygod
18 y
1,895
Thanks for the clarification on "devil". I'd had a funny reaction to the word.
Ok... Questions: I recognize that anger has more mobilizing power than fear, but A. How do you recommend performing the technique of switching emotions?
B. If there is such a way to simply switch from one emotion to another, why choose anger which is also negative and physiologically/spiritually disturbing rather than courage or serenity?
C. (more of a comment) I've found for me that the emotion of anger carries and leads a bundles of fear. If I'm mad at someone/something, I want to destroy him/her/it, which brings on the fear that I can't, that I lose, that I'm wrong, that I'm evil, etc.
I have several processes that seem to work for now in which I recognize the feeling I'm having and where it's rooted and systematically release it, which changes my experience. I also meditate, chant, and try to surround myself with spiritually oriented people with some regularity to stay buoyant, in form anyway. when I'm in pain, it doesn't seem like anything's improved, but the spiritual world doesn't work in a linear fashion. And externally, there are a lot of improvements to demonstrate the pain's all in my head.
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takemeawaygod
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- Re: Remember FEAR is of the Devil... by kerminator
18 y
1,729
Well Dear Lady; this reply will require some clairification, so please allow me to post a suitable discussion & reply on my web site @ www.simplytruth.com in the near future... BTW: I too have to learn to control emotions...
We all have the ablity to decide which emotions by our selective desires... Some of these are trained responces which we can relearn or change to better ourself...
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kerminator
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