- My son in law acts like we're contagious by #855
19 y
3,208 6 Messages Shown
Blog: Good Ole Boy Texan a Major Pain
I cannot believe my son in law is so incredibly rude and rejecting of myself and my husband, 64. It was a gradual thing. He is one of these guys whose entire family lives in the same small Texas town and if you don't live by His Rules of life then you're dogmeat. But he has Bibles all over the place.
This guy, 32, works very hard; extremely hard to support his family which consists of my daughter , 35, and their two children. What happened was my older daughter, 40, has mental problems. And drug problems. But since she has a son and my husband was rightfully concerned about this child, he built a log home for them free of charge. About this time my son in law started getting distant with us. He respects Hard Working Americans and if you don't Work Hard you're Dirt in his eyes. But his best friend is on "disability" and never lifts a finger except to lift his can of Bud.
This guy is about as disabled as I am.
Anyway, my daughter's boyfriend dumped her. So my daughter started smoking some crack. We were all horrified about this. Very disappointed. She stopped working.
So her father, a Ph.d, took up her car payments and I've been paying her electric bill for 3 months. Last month I went to visit my younger daughter, a 200 mile drive, for the weekend. When my son in law came in the house he wouldn't even look at me ; he mumbled, "how are you?" Then he marched to their bedroom and never came out. He feels anyone who supports a Total Loser like my daughter (who he has been around about 4 times in 12 years) does not deserve his attention. Then the next day
they had a big birthday party for my son in law's son (my grandson)and, as usual, my son in law got plastered. He was almost wobbling.
Now I'm having difficulty ever wanting to go to their home again. My husband is insulted. My daughter acts like it's normal. But her husband refuses to step foot in our house; he won't even come to our town again. Because we are supporting his wife's sister. The Family Loser, evidently. This screws up the holidays and it's making us not want to go see my daughter and grandchildren knowing Father Superior will be there , ignoring us like we've not bathed.
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- Good Ol' Boy Texan... by uranusjoe
19 y
1,812
I moved to Texas two years ago after living in New England for all of my 50 years. Texas is a beautiful state and the ways of some Texans should not distract from that. There are Texans who think that their way of life is the only viable alternative.
You and you husband are doing the right thing by supporting your daughter during this time of crisis. She may come to her senses when she realizes that she is loved unconditionally. If you abandon her now she may decide she has no reason to pull her life together. There are some Texans who call themselves Christians who would recommend complete rejection of your child. Jesus himself would advise you to show this woman that you love her and will do anything to lift her out of this terrible situation. There are plenty of Texans who would agree. Showing love for your daughter is the right thing to do. Any true Christian would agree.
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uranusjoe
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- Re: Good Ol' Boy Texan... by #855
19 y
1,894
thank you ,Joe. We usually are told we're making a huge mistake in paying her way while she hangs out with loonies who drink urine, make compost piles and thumb rides. She's actually impaired. She has Always been a problem; since back in kindergarten believe it or not. She claims to spend a lot of time crying; does so regularly in front of her son who may become almost immune to it. I hope.
I've been thinking lately that she hasn't found her true calling in life. She got her real estate BROKERS' license 2 years ago then promptly quit two jobs. Two weeks ago she quit her third job answering the phone at an old hotel for minimum wage.
Her sister just visited; didn't want to see her. Thinks she's poisonous. Dangerous.
So she'll have a centrally heated home this winter while she plays around with Ebay. I just feel she was not meant to dream of selling real estate; I just don't know what she should be doing. The most frequent way she spends her days is driving around town. She owes more on that car than it's worth; it's bound to just stop running eventually and we don't know what we'll do then. All this nonsense while our younger one works so hard, keeps an immaculate home and immaculate children.
I wish I could say that she has always at least been nice and appreciative but she has wished me dead more than once, has said she hates me many times, has accused us of abusing her all her life, she just lashes out with these insanely angry self pitying emails while we all keep writing checks and she keeps saying what a good, caring Christian she is. My husband says she just wants us to feel sorry for her so we'll keep up the bill paying. Her latest is the possibility of a romance with an ex-heroin addict who goes to NA and smokes cigarettes, of course. But he wants her to change. She will change for no one; she never has. She is very stubborn and loves that weed. Smokes it right in front of her son.
It's such a lifelong troubling situation for us and I do appreciate your very kind understanding especially as rare as it is . thanks so much.
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- Re: Good Ol' Boy Texan... by mandolin33
19 y
1,576
What you are doing for this "troubled" individual is called "enabling". YOur pity for her and her son is not directed in an appropriate helping manner. Remove her "crutch" of free living; plus, install other measures which would help save her son. Yes, she would have trouble with her life one way or the other. However, it would come to a climax and she would be forced to either correct her behaviour to a more reasonable manner, or she would do what you fear most, lose it all.
This fear of her losing it all is what prompts you, her loving parents, to continue her ability to spiral downward by removing the consequences of said behaviour by giving her a free lifestyle...one she has not earned. IF what you said is true about her addictions and strong emotional imbalances being displayed prominently in front of her young son, it is only damaging him more than you may realize. He will become like her, or worse, if not protected from such displays. This means you or an appropriate caregiver should take custody of him until she is able to control herself safely. If you do not take steps to protect him, the state can and will take steps to alleviate the situation in a not so nice manner. Children removed from homes such as hers, where grandparents supported that lifestyle by funding it, are not allowed to return to the parent or grandparents for often many years due to the evidence of lack of responisbility on both parts. Lack of responsibility on the grandparents part because the child was not removed from a known mentally and emotionally imbalanced drug environment.
There are programs to help grandparents through such situations while saving the child and his parent from the worst case scenarios. None of the steps are easy. All are hard, and emotionally draining. However, the end result is a more responsible parent being created, and most importantly a safe and loved child remains with family he knows rather than in a state operated foster program. If, tragically, your daughter does not come to her senses and "clean up" her life, the grandchild will still be safe, able to continue family relations, and build a strong sense of self-worth rather than what is being developed in the situation you have allowed to continue freely around him.
If you do nothing but support her freely, you will lose her and the child. The choice is yours. To help you, contact a well-known and respected Family counselor in your area and ask what options are available to you and your husband (as grandparents) to insure the safety and well-being of the child; as well as finding out what can be done to insure appropriate mental and addiction rehabilitative measures are taken for your daughter. Then, take immediate action to enforce those measures to help both your daughter and grandchild. After a few months, the improvement will be dramatic and the lives of all involved will be greatly improved. The hardest part is the first step. But, the first step must be taken to reach that last step to better lives.
I am telling you this, because I have seen cases where all it took was one person making a call to a state agency in concern of the child's well-being for the family to never see that child again. Ever. Protect him and yourselves by getting her the help she really needs. That help is not a free house and car. And, the problem is not the son-in-law or your youngest daughter. They merely want to protect their own children from seeing the kind of behaviours your oldest daughter is exhibiting. They feel you are allowing her to continue without correcting any of the true problems which spurs her to live the way she does. They do not communicate that well, but from your description of the situation, that is what is happening. Help your grandson and then you will see much more compassion from your youngest daughter and her family.
Please, do this for your grandson before it is too late.
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mandolin33
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- Re: Good Ol' Boy Texan... by #855
19 y
1,772
I want to say that there are people who are situational drug users. I was one decades ago, with alcohol. Law enforcement and social services personnel remain convinced that, after someone has had a stint with a drug, that person continues to do it and drops all responsibilities. This belief is entirely False.
Some of the policemen in our town Sell drugs. They still work and support their families and chase after criminals. But they sell weed, at least. I doubt if law enforcement or social services would admit this or even be aware of it.
It is totally naive to think that a young child could be "never seen again by his grandparents" if those grandparents have the desire and the money to see that child.
That's the way the world operates; if you've got good character and the money you get to see the grandchildren. Simple as that. I personally have been in court with my attorney, he suspected I had done something illegal, but he said, "I contributed to that judge's reelection campaign; he owes me. I'll take care of it." And he did.
This is truth; just the way that it is. My lawyer was a former District Attorney, very well known and knows how to pull strings. So let's get back to the problem at hand and stop living in fantasyland.
My daughter has a history of smoking crack if and only if she gets dumped by a boyfriend. I am heartbroken about it. Then she stops. How do I know she stops? Her son reports to me what's going on. Who her friends are, what they do, where they live. I can tell when she's had some xanax. I take it each night to sleep. I have done so for 25 years without increasing dosage. My mom did the same.
I was divorced in 1985. From 1984 to my second marriage in 1987 I enjoyed a few drinks in clubs almost every night. I had no business driving, actually, but I never thought about it at the time. I've been happily married now for 18 years.
We never drink; that is, I'll drink once a year at a party but he won't. Neither of us smoke. We have a drug free home. It was a situational thing with me.
Now that my daughter has been very lonely she has met a few people who want her to go to NA with them. She refuses, saying she doesn't want to be around those types of people. One of them is a heroin addict. She likes him as of yesterday.
I doubt he has a home; she has said over and over she wasnt' "taking any bums into this house with us." But , is he a bum? Or is he the sweet man we should feel sorry for that she claims? A nice man who has turned his life around? Again, I am heartbroken. I can see him moving in with them quickly. He has been living with a married couple but maybe they want him out? I don't know if the guy even has a job.
She's on food stamps. I feel like something is about to explode but I don't know what it is. Maybe I'll just explode into tears.
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- Re: Good Ol' Boy Texan... by #855
18 y
1,878
Well, as expected, her crisis ended and has been replaced by a new one. So I've been paying her light bill for 4 months while she lays around and whines about not having any money! But she refuses to work. She claims, "I just Hate it that my parents are paying my bills" but I don't believe her for a second or she'd do something about it.
So my son in law still barely speaks to us. He won't even come visit; my daughter and kids come alone about twice yearly. He knows that our other daughter who we support has been fooling with drugs for decades and he works So hard he just can't stand the unfairness of it all.
Plus, he's a Texan and we're originally from up North so he THINKS we're inferior. Believe me, we're not.
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