- home again... by woodlawn
19 y
3,031 4 Messages Shown
Blog: Journey back from depression
well, staying with my grandparents for such a long time was a rather incredible experience. i learned a lot and observed a lot. i know i am amazingly privileged to have had this opportunity to not only help them out, but to get to know them better. the two weeks had their ups and downs, for sure, but i am so glad i went.
i have been procrastinating horribly with work,however, as i am just totally worn out mentally. i had two clients who had work due back to them days ago, and i just am refusing to do it. i feel like i have nothing to myself, and that is the only protest i can make. i'll have to do it today, but thursday and friday were m's days off, and i just wanted to focus on him, so i put it off. oh well. if i don't get paid for my work with them, i don't really care. it is just so nice to be back home, and i want to take a moment to enjoy it. i love my home, and i love m. it felt like culture shock when i stepped off the plane, but i am starting to adjust again.
the weird thing is that, while i was in alabama, this thing started happening to me that hasn't happened since i was a kid. basically, when i close my eyes, i see some residual blobs of light, as i think most people do. but these residual blobs of light take on horrible shapes, like glowing, ghoulish eyes in a hideous face, or the outlined image of a person screaming. they're quite vague, but totally identifyable. they appear and then fade, and i generally see several different ones, one or two at a time, for several seconds after i close my eyes. then they eventually fade away. i remember it happening, in particular, when i am in the shower, and am about to put my head under the water, but it also happens other times as well. i had completely forgotten about this particular childhood delight until it started happening again. god, it terrified me when i was a kid. now it just makes me a little uneasy. last night i had nightmares, though, and when i woke up, i kept seeing these spooky light shapes and getting freaked out. i guess i'm fairly scared of the dark. weird that this thing returned, though. i wonder whether it's linked to stress, or to being in certain places, or simply to the memories of childhood that were so present at my grandparents' house. i do hope it goes away. it isn't my favorite thing.
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woodlawn
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- Woodlawn- Hi!9th here- Is there a fear that you are holding at arms len... by 9thbody
19 y
1,975 Reply FCK TinyMCE
- fear... by woodlawn
19 y
1,989
hmmm. i don't know. i think i'm mildly afraid of a lot of things. my finances are never terribly steady, so i worry about money. i worry about my relationship. i worry about my health. i worry about my job. i have never liked being alone in houses after dark (i'm fine in apartments, but i'm afraid of someone being in or intruding from the space that surrounds the house, i always have been), and i get anxious whenever i am. but i'd say all of these are about equal. there isn't one big fear that pops out. i've always had a tendency to get anxious when things seemed to be going "too well." perhaps that applies at the moment.
i guess my biggest worry is whether i am doing the right things with my life. in an odd way, that's kind of a luxury though, because it's something i only worry about when i am doing well overall.
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woodlawn
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