Wow. Yoga tonight was Hard. Really hard! It's kind of exciting to take a really hard class. I had to modify a lot, but it still felt great. Last week, someone mentioned that I would have an easier time returning to regular practice if I didn't compare myself to my classmates. That is one of the few things that is actually not a problem for me at the moment. I am so heavy and out of shape that I can't help but just be inspired by the other people in my class. There's really no comparison whatsoever, as I'm nowhere near at the same level of practice right now. It's very freeing! I worked hard to keep the old ego down when I practiced before, and I usually managed to stay in balance. Occasionally, though, ego and jealousy would bubble up. It's hard for them not to when you spend enough time working really hard towards something. I would notice them, and let them go, but it did take vigilance. Now I don't even have to do that! Many things are harder for me now, but it's very nice that ego and jealosy are not a part of my yoga practice.
Tomorrow both M. and I are off work. We are going to rent rowboats in the park and have a picnic. M is very nice. Today I locked myself out of the house and had to go get the keys from him at work. I was all sweaty and in my gym clothes, but he looked genuinely happy to see me when I walked in. It made me feel really good.
I've been working towards changing my thought process. This morning I woke up having a minor panic attack. Instead of just trying to ignore all the negative thoughts, like I usually do, I tried to replace them with good thoughts. This is a really big step for me. It seemed to actually work. I've toned down the negative thoughts as I've gotten older, but they still crop up in a subtle way pretty much nonstop. It would be so liberating if I could actually get it to stop for good!
Writing my thoughts down seems to be a very effective tool for me. Regardless of how inconsequential everything is, it seems to sweep out my mind, to keep the same stale thoughts from rattling around.
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woodlawn
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CureZone